20 x 20 hindsight or warning lights in the rearview mirror.

It didn't really occur to me until today that, as an Aspergian male going to work in libraries, I am entering a world populated and managed largely by neurotypical (NT) women.

The flashing red warning lights are now quite blinding in my philosophical rear-view mirror as I look backwards through time.

My ability to relate to neurotypical (NT) women on any level has been historically not promising, to put it mildly. NT male-female communication is challenging enough. Throwing an AS diagnosis into the mix "turns it up to eleven", so to speak.

I left a job that was damn near ideal for me as an Aspie (as a Medical Travel Assistance Coordinator for AIG International Services) and entered what turned out to be a goddamn minefield of intrigue, misunderstanding and dirty poker politics.

In part because my well-meaning mum thought the AIG job was "beneath me" and that "someone so smart" as me should have a better paying, more respectable job. I did come to embrace the idea of librarianship for myself eventually...but I'd be lying if I denied that part of my motivation was just to make mum finally shut up about my career choice. If I could become a librarian just like her, she'd have no further grounds to gripe about me, or so I had naively reasoned.

Gawd, some days I just want to crawl under a rock and literally die of embarrassment.

Subjective views of damaged books

I continue to be amused by the highly subjective nature of judging book damage employed by many different librarians.

"Oh! It has a pink stain on one of the pages! And yellow highlighter all throughout! This book is RUINED!!!"

No, no it isn't. As Ranganathan's first law states, "Books are for use". You're a librarian, not an antiquarian bookseller. There is a difference. I used the heck out of good library books all throughout my undergrad and graduate school careers...they endured coffee mug ring stains, my cleaning my fingernails with the pages; I even spilled a shot of whiskey on one...(had taken the book to a bar as it was more interesting than many of my fellow patrons)...the "kids" had just started to arrive at 11pm-ish and we older barflies were preparing to shuffle on out and home when some jerk bought everyone a round of shots including me. The bartender put the shotglass on my book and it left a little whiskey ring on the cover.

It was after that, and still feeling intoxicated walking to work the next AM, that I decided it was a bad idea to go out M-Thurs in library school and saved my partying for the weekends. *cough*

The point is, books get USED...used for education hopefully but also to prop open a door, or look pretty on a table, or something to set one's drink on, etc. They do not have to remain in pristine condition to be perfectly functional, usable. The sooner some librarians disabuse themselves of this notion and embrace the reality of the life-cycle of a book, the better. Ranganathan knew what he was talking about, his laws aren't just flowery, feel-good rhetoric; they have practical, philosophical import. They're not something you learn for the SLIS Intro to Reference Services final then promptly forget once you land your first library job...they're meant to guide your actual practice of librarianship.

Anyway, Cracked spine, pages falling out...THAT is a ruined book. If it can't be reasonably repaired with a minimal expenditure of funds, or if the cost to repair exceeds the cost to replace, that is when a book should be withdrawn, no question.

But, how about, say, water damage that warps a paperback front and back pages? Well, the responsible parties should be fined, yes, but withdraw from circulation? Is is still legible? Then no.

I was asked to have a look at a book by a librarian who was convinced she would never have let the book leave her library in that condition so the damage MUST have occurred when it was out on loan. I had to laugh when I saw it because I knew OUR copy in OUR library looked much more ragged and had already been sent out via ILL on multiple occasions. It's a very popular title, and a shame this librarian would consider restricting access to it because of such, to me, quite minor blemishes (stained pages). I've decided to defer the decision on this to my immediate superior when she gets back from vacation. I had suggested we could bill the library we last sent it to, but actually viewing the reported "damage", I had changed my view, since it was far less worse than I'd been led to believe over the phone. I'm glad I'm able to defer this matter to a superior for inspection, and plan to keep my opinions mostly to myself.

Of Librarianship and Asperger's Syndrome

I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in June of 2010. Because it is a recognized disability protected by ADA, which EEOC enforces, I believe I was able to remain employed with the public library system that hired me in a paraprofessional capacity. I had to accept a demotion along the way to Clerk, but I remain gainfully employed. I like my job, so the purpose of this post is not to complain about it; I have been shifted to working in Interlibrary Loan and enjoy it very much. One day I'd like to transition to being an full-fledged ILL Librarian in a University setting if possible; perhaps with some secondary Reference duties.

No, the purpose of this post is to reflect on the challenges faced by a person with Asperger's Syndrome, and just how unexpectedly inhospitable most libraries are as employers to persons with Autism/Asperger's.

I've read in some employment guides to people with Asperger's Syndrome that libraries and librarianship represent a potential career path to consider. I became interested in becoming a librarian before I was formally diagnosed. But I now take issue with the suggestion that libraries are necessarily a "good" place for an Aspie to work.

What I have learned, and what I realize looking back, is that libraries are highly political work environments, usually far worse than any so-called "office politics" that I ever dealt with in my previous Corporate employment gig. This is definitely where the person with Asperger's Syndrome is at a distinct disadvantage. Between our general social awkwardness, our struggles with small-talk, our seeming aloofness, seeming tactlessness and bluntness and literal-mindedness and our ability to piss people off without even meaning to, yes, the Library workplace is like a minefield for the person with an ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder).

Moreover, as Libraries have continued to re-define and re-structure the role of the MLS degree-holding Librarian, increasingly insisting that the MLS act as a de-facto MBA and that EVERY librarian with an MLS *must* be a manager of others rather than a solitary expert or professional in his or her own right...there is because of this a kind of discrimination built in at a unconsciously structural level against people with Autism Spectrum Disorders. Management is really NOT our "thing". We suck at it. Books are already filled with case narratives of successful Aspies in technical jobs being promoted into managerial roles and then stumbling and falling because of their inherent difficulties in dealing with people that is part and parcel of having an Autism Spectrum Disorder; It is not a psychological phobia, it is a neurological problem having to do with how our brains are wired differently from Neurotypical (hereafter, NT) people. Aspies succeed where they can do highly individual, highly technical work requiring our legendary focus. They falter where they must be responsible for and manage others.

I suffered greatly due to my ignorance of my AS condition at my previous library employer, a major state university in Northern Texas. I had no clue I was an "Aspie" at the time. I grasped at straws, chalking up my difficulty in communication with my boss as having to do with my inherent introversion and guessing (incorrectly) that she perhaps was an extrovert. She wasn't, but she WAS definitely Neurotypical, and in hindsight, therein lay the biggest problems.
I also tried to understand our difficulty in terms of gender differences, hetero male and hetero female...and while this investigation did yield some results, the overshadowing reality of Asperger's looms large only in hindsight with enough perspective and distance. The gulf between us in terms of gender differences was miniscule in comparison to the yawing canyon between NT and Aspie.

It angers me now in hindsight to realize that what I suffered in North Texas that last year was de-facto job discrimination based on my Autistic condition, but because I was undiagnosed until AFTER I was long gone, and thus not able to disclose to that employer at the time my job was in jeopardy, I have no legal recourse against what amounted to blatant job discrimination against a person with a neurological disability.

There was a time in the past when probably a lot of old-school catalogers probably were undiagnosed persons with Asperger's syndrome. And since it is much harder to DX females with AS and since most librarians are female, the historical data just isn't there and can only be conjectured, and even contemporary data would be hard to compile and of limited use since on ethical grounds it could only be arrived at by voluntary, anonymous self-disclosure. I solicited such anonymous disclosure on AUTOCAT once, but only got a few respondents...only one person confirmed having received the actual DX and she had a similarly spotty/difficult job history as my own. Among working catalogers who did respond, some said that they felt they had "some" Aspergian traits but had not sought a formal DX.

Unfortunately, long gone are the days when the lone "Aspie" cataloger could go off to a cubicle by herself and catalog all day long with minimal interaction with anyone else. The job has changed due to technology, library restructuring, etc, nearly always all to the detriment of the cataloger with AS. The professional cataloger with an MLS is often the sole "professional" cataloger on staff and as such must report directly to a non-cataloger manager, such as an Assistant Director for Technical Services, frequently an acquisitions person, or directly to the Library Director in a smaller organization. There is, in my experience, little or no mentoring of new librarians trying to enter cataloging fresh from Library school.

Had I "known the rules" (another Aspie deficit), I would have "known" that the usual cataloger career track includes a lengthy apprenticeship as a paraprofessional "copy cataloger" who is expected to earn her MLS while full-time employed as a Copy Cataloger. Those who DON'T follow this track are at a severe disadvantage upon graduating. It's not just the hands-on cataloging skills, which are crucial enough, to be sure, but it's also the social networking, the vital face-time at state and regional library conferences and within one's own library system. Breaking into a career in librarianship is not unlike seeking exclusive membership in a prestigious country club. There are differing levels of membership and not everyone is allowed in.

I have applied for several paraprofessional positions in Adult Services Reference and also professional Reference positions (Librarian I) over the past several months and despite my actual job experience as a librarian, despite my two Master's Degrees from impressive universities, I keep getting passed over for these jobs by people who are younger, fresher out of library school BECAUSE they "knew the rule" and started working in the library system as clerks and paras before ever starting library school. They are "known" to their future library managers already, already have a job track record, etc, and slide easily and upwardly into these new Librarian I positions, whereas I am passed over despite my superior credentials, superior intelligence, general education, well-roundness and being better read.

Because I am an individual with an Autism Spectrum Disorder, it's probably believed that I am not able to deal with the general public in a Reference setting, but my exemplary customer service record at my corporate job belies this assumption.

Libraries are very political environments and very unforgiving of honest error. I admit on some technology applications my skills were lacking and at my previous job I often sought the aid of the E-Resources Librarian who was far more skilled at such things than me. She was always polite and willing to help and I would repeatedly thank her and apologize for being such a bother, etc, which she would waive off with a laugh. I only later learned that I caused her lots of added stress to her already stressful job and she would blow up at my boss (who was also her boss) behind my back, complaining about me. This again is another NT vs. Asperger's divide. My colleague behaving like a predictable Neurotypical, while me, the Aspie, dealing honestly if naively and taking things at face value. I can't help thinking "If helping me was really such a stress-out for her, why didn't she just TELL me to my face to go jump in a lake or dammit-go-learn it myself?"; Perhaps if my boss had not intervened first, eventually she would have...and it would've caught me completely out of the blue, with no warning, same as my then Boss's very suddenly negative annual review that precipitated the beginning of the end of that job.

I know in my adolescence I always admired individuals who were forthrightly blunt and didn't sugar coat things, who were unafraid to speak the truth, no matter how ugly or uncomfortable. Hell, I still do.

I'm so put off by and unnerved by the oft two-faced nature of so depressingly many Neurotypicals. It seems their guiding Modus Operandi, and it's difficult to conceal my contempt at times.

I feel like the ideas I've scribbled down here could be honed and polished into a half-way decent essay, as I feel it's an area ripe for investigation, discussion and eventually, activism. I should probably re-launch this blog and call it "Aspie Librarian" (unless of course there already exists such a thing...should probably check that, eh?).

Australian psychologist and researcher Tony Atwood, who specializes in Autism Spectrum Disorders and Asperger's Syndrome in particular, has written:

"You don't suffer from Asperger's (syndrome). You suffer from other people."

That's certainly true, even, or perhaps especially, in library workplaces.

Blog on Hiatus, indefinitely

The Aggie Librarian blog is on permanent hiatus until I am actually hired back into a full librarian position for a different library system with a far less draconian social networking policy.

Academic Freedom and its absence.

You only appreciate Academic Freedom once you no longer have it. It has been a difficult shift for me, transitioning from being Librarian I (Cataloger) at a sizable state university in northern Texas to being a library worker (under)employed in a large county public library system in SE Texas. Our county has passed a very draconian "social media policy" that very strictly prohibits me from accessing any website that is not directly work-related on my personal workstation, including library-related blogs, much less keeping touch on the pulse of popular culture through websites like BoingBoing.net; I can't even take 30 seconds out of my workday to place a personal ILL request from my own machine (something my boss only recently jumped my shit for). Even discussing this social media policy here semi-anonymously is probably skating on some thin ice.

If I were still with a university employer, this kind of draconian shit would not fly; Our tradition of Academic Freedom would be respected and tolerated. We would be free to download any tool, etc, that would make us better librarians more in touch with our patrons, etc. But since I'm a library worker drone, I'm not supposed to think big or even think like a librarian. I'm a "non-practicing" librarian under-employed by a public library system.

Not only that but things came to a head with my cataloging responsibilities. All I care to say at this point is Thank God for the Americans with Disabilities Act or else I'd be back out in the cold, unemployed again at Christmas time. With ADA, I was at least able to hang on to my full-time employment; The director and county HR made me an offer...accept demotion from Library Paraprofessional to Library Clerk II, and you get to keep your full-time status (with slight pay cut) and keep benefits.

My cataloging duties have been stripped from me entirely. I can finally stop beating my head bloody against a brick wall trying to satisfy an ueber-perfectionist boss who can never be satisfied, who keeps moving the goal posts, and whom I realized far too late had long ago ceased being an honest broker in all of this. I know I did a good job on my final truck of books, but my boss gave me a ridiculously short time limit to work on the material so she could next complain about productivity (moving goal posts, as I said), even though it is a specific reasonable accommodation that a person with Asperger's syndrome be given additional time to complete assignments.

I'm grateful to my job coach/advocate from a local organization known as The ARC. Although originally conceived as an advocacy organization for individuals with mental retardation, they have expanded their umbrella to include those of us with Autism Spectrum Disorders, such as Asperger's syndrome and "classical" autism. Though at times I have found myself butting heads even with her, and I do feel some slight disappointment that we did not fight harder to prove I can do cataloging just fine with reasonable accommodation. The fact is, I could do my cataloging utterly perfectly but so long as my boss was the ultimate judge and arbiter, she could say it was the worst cataloging she'd ever seen and NOBODY would question her, second guess her or try to verify if she's actually being honest or not. There's no neutral "cataloging court of appeals" I can turn to to prove her wrong. Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.

The only positive here is that my ILL duties have slightly expanded. I am getting to learn even more about the ILL process, and the skills I pick up along the way might make it possible for me to start doing ILL professionally in a university setting someday...that would be ideal. As for cataloging, I tend to view RDA with a jaundiced eye, as a sign of collective insanity. I just don't care anymore. In a fit of idealistic furor, I requested via ILL tons of books explaining DDC for me, but after my forced compromise that deleted my cataloging duties, I returned them all to the library, since I would no longer need any of them.

To paraphrase a great Native American warrior, "I will catalog again no more, forever".

I did apply to a few other cataloging positions while all of this was shaking out, including a Librarian I (cataloger) position with a different county system on the far north side of town, but I didn't even get a phone interview out of that, nor even a rejection letter. I did get an interview offer from a minor Texas university in Kingsville, Texas for a "Metadata librarian" position, but truth be told I'm pretty apathetic about "new emerging metadata". I really couldn't care less about it and I'm afraid that would probably show through on an interview. I let them know thanks but no thanks, I'm not interested in the position with them anymore. If it was a plain-jane cataloging job, I would've gone for it, but since the emphasis seemed to be on the "new emerging" Metadata aspects of it, I said aw screw it. Plus I just don't feel like moving to Kingsville, to be honest. I'm happy with my little rut here in SE Texas, and maybe I'll jump on a better ILL position in an academic library somewhere later on down the road.

My only goal at this stage is to make it 5 years to get "vested" with the county and have a pension to add to my social security benefits. To be able to inherit my parent's home someday and continue living in it, able to keep up with the property taxes, basic living expenses and modest entertainment expenses. Winning a wife & kids optional at this point. I really don't feel any great urgency to ever remarry, honestly. I accept I'm probably stuck in this part of Texas for the long haul.

I would eventually like to move in a public services direction, willing to become just a paraprofessional in Public Services to begin with, working my way up and back to Librarian I rank someday. Going Tech Services was a huge mistake, especially for someone with visual-spacial deficits that come with many people with Asperger's syndrome. Hindsight makes that perfectly clear now. It will be a long hard slog to re-invent myself as a Public Services (Reference) librarian. ILL is sometimes classified as public services in some libraries, so that may be my best avenue for long-term planning. I do want to engage in face-to-face reference work someday, too. Although I am an "Aspie", my particular disorder is exceedingly mild and mostly makes me quirky and awkward, but I manage fairly well in most areas of my life. I've learned intellectually what most NT's pick up intuitively on a great many things. There are some areas where that classic Aspie "literalness" remains an issue, with respect to language and the way questions are put to me. I pay very close attention to language...ask me a factual question and you will get a factual answer; I'll ignore or miss any emotional subtext that isn't explicit. Ask me a speculative question I'll speculate. But ask me a factual question but intend that I speculate is totally barking up the wrong tree with me. It just won't "compute" for me and I'll probably piss the person off without meaning to; this has happened in my own family. My dad gets frustrated with me and says I'm "splitting hairs", etc, implying that I'm worrying over distinctions without a difference. My dad is, by contrast, a "lumper", lumps things together that he thinks are related therefore close enough to conflate. I disagree. I'm not splitting hairs, I'm not obsessing over distinctions without difference, I'm trying to speak as precisely and exactly as possible because precision in language *matters*....matters enormously to me, in fact. Hell, I obsess about semantics. It's my favorite hobby. I get enormously irritated with people who are inexact and imprecise about the language they employ.

"That word, it doesn't mean what you think it means."

Story of my life, at times.

I also remember some interesting...discussions...between my boss and myself over subject headings...remember thinking "oh, you're one of THOSE catalogers" (the kind I hate). It was also a contrast between the Academic way of looking at things and the Public Library way. Precision is more important in Academic context than public ones. Public Libraries value consistency over pinpoint accuracy. Public Libraries are "lumping" institutions, while Academic institutions are all about proper splitting. It was hard for me to try and switch over to the Public Library style of assigning a call number, subject heads, etc. I did think I was getting the hang of it, but that's all in the past now and no longer my concern.

The irony is that my former immediate boss for cataloging and I were in complete agreement over the questionable wisdom of RDA, and also doubting the correctness of the decision to drop the 440 field, which we retained for local practice.

This boss is still my department head and so I do still ultimately report to this person, but I have an intermediate boss, a Library Paraprofessional who handles ILL Borrowing, while I back her up on Borrowing and do the Lending side from our own collections. Together we are the ILL team for the system. As I said, I do greatly enjoy the work.

With things slowing down before the holidays, I often had to "invent" work to make myself look busy when the real boss would come strolling by...stuff like taking inventory of our printed labels and printing up new ones that we were running low on for uncataloged YA and Juvenile paperbacks, for example. Or ILL branch stickers for inter-office memos, etc, or cutting up new individual TexShare labels from existing printed strips. There wasn't much physical processing left to do (and already 3 clerks working on THAT), so I got creative in finding other work to do that wouldn't rob work from others. I also blacked out or white-labeled the used padded envelopes we use for ILL sent via USPS. Normally I do this as I'm preparing an item for shipment, but to kill time I did them nearly all in advance, which will put me in good stead next week while my new immediate Para boss is away on vacation and I'm covering ALL of ILL for the whole system for 4 days. I think between my normal duties plus her own duties this will keep me busy the entire day for the next 4 workdays...at least that's my plan.

Just trying to survive and not piss off the department boss and draw unwanted attention to myself...hoping someday to transfer out into Public Services with a more sympathetic boss and into role where I can directly see that what I do makes a difference and helps real people in their lives. That's the aspect of working for AIG, Inc. that I miss most...that palpable sense that what you're doing saves lives, makes a real difference, etc. Cataloging is all too abstracted from all of that face-to-face reality. It requires a good deal more faith, I suppose; a willingness to live on faith of a kind, that kind of goes against my grain.

I'm slightly better off this December than I was last December. My weight and physical appearance and overall health are much better, and I'm still gainfully employed (albeit underemployed) in a library setting, none of which was true last year at this time.

I no longer have to consider Law Enforcement as a serious alternative to library employment. I no longer have to consider Paralegal training and work as an alternative to library work. I no longer have to consider Law School as a means to radically re-invent myself. I just have to hang on and do the best I can in the job I'm in. I finally feel a margin of stability that I've not felt for quite some time, and that's a good thing.

Happy Holidays to all of you and I may (or may not) blog again in the new year. The existing social media policy where I work definitely has a chilling effect on my willingness to talk about anything work-related beyond general issues affecting ALL libraries, not just my own. Just remember, anyone considering a move from Academic to Public libraries....cherish your Academic Freedom now; you may miss it dearly when it's gone.

Sometimes you gotta take a step back to go forward.

There comes a time when an unemployed librarian has to ask himself, would you accept a paraprofessional position as a stop gap measure, a chance to get back in the game?

Actually, I answered that question the day after I left my last professional job with a resounding "Hell yeah!" and have been applying left and right for professional as well as paraprofessional jobs alike. My only differentiation was that I did not apply outside Texas for paraprofessional jobs while I did for librarian jobs.

I had thought maybe I needed to re-invent myself as a Reference person, that I'd just gotten off to a bad start in Tech Services, that my Asperger's syndrome (not recognized until this year) had undone me in two library jobs but now I that I knew I was an "Aspie", there was something I could do about it.

As of this morning, I'm happy to report that I'm climbing back onto the Tech Services horse that threw me. Sort of. Yesterday I interviewed for a paraprofessional position in a local county-level public library system. In truth, I'd sent in so many applications to this system over the past few months, each time getting passed over, that I'd kind of lost track which position it was that I was now being called in to interview for. I went to the library prepared to sell myself as a born-again Reference assistant, but my librarian interviewer began by telling about her past and her experience and it was all technical services, so I quickly put two and two together and realized I was now interviewing for a paraprofessional job in Technical Services (they use a different term in this library, which is what threw me at first). I did a quick mental "game change" in my head and I was ready.

The interview went well, I thought, followed by the mandatory tour of Tech Services, which looked the way a Tech Services workspace should look...in the basement, with high cubicles for everyone. Lots of people busy with their appointed, self-directed tasks, etc.

When the tour was finished, I expected a handshake and a "well, thank you for coming in and we'll let you know, yada yada yada."

Instead my future boss turned to me and said "So, I'd like to offer you the position. You don't have to give an answer right away." After processing what she'd said, and recovering from the initial shock, I said "I accept!"

The job will entail working 1/2 of my time doing Interlibrary loan requests (outgoing, from our library to requesting libraries), while 1/2 the time will be spent on copy cataloging. My future boss also comes from an Academic library background; she lost her last Academic library posting owing to a reduction-in-force layoff, so I think she maybe sympathized with my plight. She also went out of her way to talk about having had bad library managers herself and learning a lot about what NOT to do...which this morning makes me wonder if she knows my previous bosses reputations better than I first thought. She also lamented how Cataloging is not required by Library schools anymore and how important mentoring within the profession must become to make up for this deficit. All of this was definitely music to my ears, as I've had such a rough time with finding *anyone* to properly mentor me as a budding Cataloger.

I definitely welcome the chance to learn ILL, as well, as that's such an important part of library work. I will also be in a position to learn DDC22 & WebDewey up close and personal, which I've never been exposed to before.

The best thing about this position is the potential for promotion from within, which this county library system definitely endorses. There are a few key retirements coming up and once those are processed my future boss intends to one day upgrade my position to Librarian I, and since I already have the MLS in-hand, I would be first in line for the job if I wanted it. So it's not a dead-end job at all but one with room to fully recover as a professional, working librarian. The pay will be similar to my old AIG payscale, which I can live with. I plan on continuing to live with my parents, who are getting up there in age. They're not elderly yet, but they're not far from that age bracket, either. I'm an only child and feel obligated to look after them, and a job that lets me stay in this area is for the best. I had been looking to join the local metro police department if this job come through. Looks like that won't be necessary now. Staying at home means I'll continue to eat healthy, have minimal expenses as far as room & board, and can devote most of my first year's salary to massively paying down my student loan obligation(s). It would sure be nice to be frugal and clear my remaining student debt in a single work year, have that final debt burden lifted from my shoulders finally.

I was getting pretty desperate and had even taken the LSAT recently in Shreveport, Louisiana. I got my scores back; they were not great but better than I thought. I scored high enough to probably get into at least 2 of Houston's 3 major ABA-accredited Law schools, namely South Texas and Texas Southern. I was a bit under the mark for the best school here, namely the UH Law Center. I had also been toying with the idea of a Paralegal certificate through Rice University's Glasscock School of Continuing Studies either in lieu of or as a prelude to law school. Now instead I will be focusing on being the very best paraprofessional I can be and rehabilitating myself as a Catalog librarian once again. Seems I've been typecast as a Tech Services person, so you gotta play the part the director gives you, and once the house lights come up, stand and deliver.

I'm deliberately not naming this public library system, just suffice it to say it's geographically convenient. And my new boss seems so much more approachable than my old bosses. She wants me to come to her for mentoring, and I plan to take her up on that offer. My new boss believes in the value of good cataloging, even in public libraries where so much of it comes in the door pre-cataloged by vendors. She's been effective at convincing the system director that vendor cataloging quality is not up to local standards and that it pays to have in-house professional cataloging to edit and tweak and maximize the local database's effectiveness, etc. I definitely aim to support this mission in any way I can.

It's a bright new day for my renewing library career.

Confronting AS: Asperger's syndrome and my misadventures in Libraryland

This is not going to be an easy post to write, and may go through several edits before I'm done and satisfied with the final version, so please bear with me.

I had a rather awkward conversation with my mother last week; it was right before dinner, and she was hesitant to broach a "big" topic at such an inopportune moment, but I said it as ok. She asked me if I remembered how my ex-wife had, when we were married, declared that she thought I was ADHD? I said yes. Well, although we no longer believe that, ADHD is sometimes a common mis-diagnosis given to children with Asperger's syndrome, which is a milder version of autism. My mom being a retired teacher librarian, she had been exposed to AS kids in her school and a lot of their behaviors reminded her of my childhood and adolescent behavior. We sat and read the Wikipedia article on Asperger's syndrome, as well as the WebMD article. I sat back and thought about it and agreed it was at least a plausible hypothesis.

I next turned my attention to books, like this one:

Asperger's From the Inside Out: A Supportive and Practical Guide for Anyone with Asperger's Syndrome (Paperback)
~ Michael John Carley
# Paperback: 272 pages
# Publisher: Perigee Trade (April 1, 2008)
# Language: English
# ISBN-10: 0399533974
# ISBN-13: 978-0399533976

It was available at the local branch of my county library system, so I walked over and checked it out and devoured it in only three days. I gave it to my mom & dad to read as well, while I next moved on to:

22 Things a Woman Must Know: If She Loves a Man With Asperger's Syndrome (Paperback)
~ Rudy Simone
# Paperback: 112 pages
# Publisher: Jessica Kingsley Pub; 1 edition (May 15, 2009)
# Language: English
# ISBN-10: 1849058032
# ISBN-13: 978-1849058032

Although written by a woman, for women, I benefited from reading this, and it shed new light on the hows and whys of my first marriage failing as it did. Sure, my Ex had plenty of her own issues that she brought to the equation, but it's also clear neither I nor she understood some of the underlying AS behavior traits that were to be expected if I'm neurologically wired as an AS person.

When I think back to my early years, especially my first stint as a graduate student at Rice University, where I was the most erratic and least emotionally stable, the signs of AS are clearer. Ditto my year abroad in Germany, which, while an awesome experience, was often a profoundly lonely time, at least with respect to the other Americans in Tübingen, and the fact that though I made German friends, there was always an unspoken polite distance maintained. Such friendships could never be as close as with, say, my High School friends back home. We talked, we enjoyed each other's company, but there was a lack of emotional intimacy, a gulf I did not know how to bridge.

Foreign languages have long been an obsession of mine, and the appeal of The Foreign to an AS person is obvious. Foreign languages are like an embassy where we can obtain temporary asylum, since all foreigners are equally strange. In other words, nobody notices that you are weird in a foreign country, because in the eyes of natives, all foreigners are a little weird, both Neurotypicals and Asperger's people alike.

I also understand better what I found so appealing about the anime series Welcome to the NHK. The story centers around a twenty-two-year-old hikikomori ("recluse") who gets aid from a strange girl who seems to know a lot about him, despite never meeting him before. A common theme throughout the story deals with the hardships of life and how people must deal with them in their own way.

I found I could really relate to the main character Tatsuhiro Satō, especially his manic inner monologues. Granted, Tatsuhiro Satō is an extreme case, but it seems evident that the hikikomori phenomenon in Japan is a logical expression of autism and Asperger's in that society. Japanese society is especially dependent on proper etiquette, elaborate rules of social conduct and niceties...so much so that austistic Japanese naturally seek to flee open society and shut themselves away so as to not have to deal with such anxiety daily. Eccentricity is mildly tolerated in the West, even cherished in some circles, but far less so in Japan, where social conformity is key.

One autistic girl writing on the web whom I came across stated that the reason she loves Anime so much is because the characters' exaggerated facial expressions are much easier for her to read and understand. I definitely think she's on to something.

In the library workplace environment, I can see that I was under the apparently mistaken belief that Academic librarianship would be more like a university teaching job, where eccentricity is accepted or at least tolerated and sometimes cherished...you'd think AS and a cataloging job would be made for each other...people often regarded as intensely interested in a narrow subject--hm, sound familiar, my Cataloging brothers and sisters? But in fact Libraries tend to be more like 9-to-5 office jobs, especially in many Tech Services departments that literally are 9-to-5, and ruled by no-nonsense Acquisitions people who are strongly business-minded by necessity. These kinds of jobs can be perilous for AS people, since it requires navigating socially...i.e. the job is less important than how well you relate to others. This can be hard on catalogers on the spectrum, unless they have a senior cataloger in a managerial position who understands them, sympathizes with them, and defends them in the face of uncomprehending, unsympathetic superiors from an Acquisitions background. It can be hell on earth if you are the solo cataloger in your outfit and you're also on the spectrum.

I recall with acute embarrassment an argument I got into with a Reference colleague that made its way back to my boss and got me in hot water. We were discussing suspected anomalies in the OPAC's search results. My Reference colleague insisted something was wrong with the OPAC, using Keyword search. I reproduced her results and did not find them anomalous but rather the best you could expect using such and imprecise search method, and that even this crappy method yielded usable records that one could use to further refine the search. I tried to explain this to my Reference colleague, who snarled back defensively that she knew how to search, she was just giving an example of what students do...I advised her good, then teach it to them. I really did bend over backwards to be as polite and tactful as I can...I could have been a lot lot nastier, snarkier, etc, but I restrained myself. It didn't matter. She still blew her stack and ratted me out to my boss, who came down on her side against me, even though on the technical question at issue, I was absolutely right. That didn't matter, I was being "disrespectful" of a senior colleague, despite the fact that I was smarter and understood the operation of the OPAC better than she did. She claimed she was looking at an anomaly, and I knew better. I finally told my boss, if the catalog is yielding bizarre results, then let the Reference staff come up with the evidence for that, and really pursue it, in cooperation with Systems people who really understand the Database side of it, because I'm just not seeing what they claim to see. My main job is the integrity of the MARC records themselves, not how the OPAC retrieves them, etc, which is the proper purview of Systems, with input from Public Services. If I do my job with the integrity of the MARC data, and Systems keeps the database running properly, everything should come together fine. My boss kept insisting that I was responsible for things that just don't fall under the traditional understanding of what catalogers do and what they're responsible for. I spoke to other heads of cataloging who agreed with me, contra my boss. But because my boss was my boss--and not because she was right--I am out of a job and she is looking for a new Librarian I to impose her misguided will upon. Her ignorance as a librarian doesn't matter, she has the power, and that's all that mattered in the end.

I don't know if being diagnosed formally with AS would have afforded me any protection in my last job or not; Likely not, but I could have availed myself of the ADA and also the Employee Assistance Program more effectively. I could have demanded more forcefully to have my station moved to somewhere against the wall instead of the dead center of the room, for starters.

It's hard not to feel bitter having walked away from a corporate gig that played so well to my AS abilities and wandered into two separate library jobs that were both minefields with unseen social pitfalls. I was genuinely happy working for AIG, on three separate occasions. While for libraries, the initial joy quickly wore off. I found contentment in cataloging itself, buried in the work, but not all the other stuff a librarian has to do...most Catalog Librarians are as much managers and administrators as they are technical specialists...and increasingly more so on the managerial end and less so on the technical expertise end. I also enjoyed fielding the periodic reference question pertaining to library cataloging forwarded to me by Reference colleagues trying to help Library school students at TWU. I enjoyed talking to patrons one on one at length, much more so than I enjoyed talking to colleagues. I nearly always took my lunch alone...going off campus or to the student union. Most everyone else brought a lunch and ate and talked in the employee break room, while I almost never did. I guess I was hoping that as a Cataloger, my eccentricities and lone wolf mindset would be understood and accepted by other librarians, but I was horribly wrong. It all seemed to come back to bite me in the rear. I like other catalogers, but not others nearly as much.
I like catalogers whom I respect, who have professional opinions similar to mine.
I find many (though certainly not all) Reference people to be shallow and ditzy. They may be able to look things up in gifted ways, but they don't understand with much depth what they're looking at afterward.

I do think gender differences played a role in my professional downfall as well, if only insofar as women cement the bonds of their relationships through talk, and since I didn't talk much of my own volition but preferred to send written reports, my boss felt alienated from me, and I from her as well in reaction to her reaction.

AS explains some of it. So does my INTJ rating on Myers Briggs, while my boss was an extrovert. Update: Ok, she was an introvert, I later learned, but she was definitely neurotypical and not AS like me.

I'm trying to understand more about Asperger's syndrome without become obsessed about it, too...which would be pretty "meta". ;-)

The more I read, the more it rings true, and the more it seems I would probably benefit from a clinical diagnosis rather than a speculative self-diagnosis like I have right now.

I've also discovered that a fair number of my closest friends, all staunch atheists like me, are also on the autism spectrum, from fellow Aspies to high functioning Autism. I speculated jokingly if perhaps there's a link between AS and atheism, or if it is a case of Neurotypicals being more easily seduced by religion's emotional appeals than we are. One friend was genuinely terrified by an online exam that pointed her being far off the average and well into "high functioning autism" land. I tried to comfort her and encourage her to face this bravely, but right now she seems bent on a path of denial and preferring not to know. We tried to talk about our experiences with psychotherapy, but she had some rather misguided notions about what therapy entails, what it's capable of, etc. I said it was hard work, therapy, and if she wasn't willing to do said work, then her conclusion that it was a waste of time and money was correct. She said everything a therapist did she could do herself at home. I countered that a good therapist will call you on your bullshit, demolish your rationalizations and force you to be intellectually honest, and that it sometimes hurts, but it's healthier in the end. She remained unconvinced so far.

I understand her fear...she's a science educator--a very, very good one--but also in fear of her job with all the cuts to teaching jobs rolling around Texas these days.
She doesn't want a clinical diagnosis to be a hindrance to her or have it open her up to discrimination and harassment. Which I do understand. But if a science teacher urges students to seek the truth wherever the evidence takes you, isn't it a little hypocritical to not take your own advice when it comes to your mental health?
I think so. I'm trying to face my probable Asperger's syndrome without fear and without shame. I understand it makes finding gainful employment anywhere, not only libraries, difficult...but it's better to know than not know. Knowing, I can compensate. Indeed, on many levels I already have.

I'm still trying to reinvent myself as a Reference librarian, even if AS would seem to "naturally" predispose me to continue working in Cataloging. I think the Cataloging profession is losing its collective mind with RDA, and that FRBR is fatally flawed at a basic philosophical level. It's a good time to get out of the way of the wave(s) of stupid currently convulsing through the profession.

Well, more later perhaps. This is your crotchety cataloger, Aggie Librarian, signing off for now.

My cranky cataloger side is showing.

Might want to make sure you're sitting down and that your blood pressure is under control before reading this. --JJR

Saw this first on LIS News posted by Blake; original post here.
The piece is titled DDC Is Killing Our Libraries.
It could alternatively be titled "I wish my Library was an iPad"

...this gem excerpted from the below made me want to scream and filled me with a near-blinding rage; see if you can see why...
(quote)

So when (not if, when) we get rid of DDC, we are going to need a new system. So what should it look like? The basis of the new system I would suggest needs to be the basic concept of “Don’t make me think!”

Yes, heaven forbid we ask people to think anymore; that's just inhuman.

"Instead of a 200 year old system that doesn’t make sense, we need a new system that just works."

It does work, and it does make sense; you're just a lazy idiot who refuses to accept responsibility for his own learning, pandering to other like minded lazy idiots. -jjr

Sorry, I know, I know... what we have here is a very cranky Academic Librarian and Cataloger who is between jobs and also recently has come to understand he probably has Asperger's syndrome reacting with a School library administrator from a Reference background. Sparks are bound to fly.

Truth is, I don't much like DDC myself; I much prefer LCC, which is what I've used ever since my undergrad years and all I've ever used in doing original and advanced copy cataloging.

Nevertheless, I will strongly defend it against people with nothing to offer by way of a viable alternative.

Fair warning, anyone who starts out their argument this way:

The Dewey Decimal Classification System (DDC) is broken. I am not going to entertain any sort of conversation on this point, it is just a fact you need to accept. Accept it, and move on. One of the incontrovertible facts that clearly demonstrate the brokenness of DDC is that we have to teach DDC, and that is the focus here.

Is someone who probably doesn't have the evidence to back up their claim and is declaring victory as a fait accompli and hoping you won't notice the hand-waving going on...nothing to see here, ignore the straw-man behind the curtain, move along.

Luckily he gets taken to task much more tactfully than I can manage in his own comments section...

He does backpedal a little, stating:

"Now I am certainly not a taxonomer, so these are just some thoughts to get things flowing,"

I don't know about getting things flowing, but I am a cataloger, and this gets my blood pressure up, to be sure.

Sweet Jesus, can we not keep dumbing down Library Systems under the banner of "facilitating access"!!??

For a refreshing take, a blast from the past, have a look at what noted Author James Michener once had to say about how to use a library.

Note especially this gem; he counseled his readers and fans thus,
saying, "Every time I go to the library, I make a beeline to the card catalog. Learn to use it. It's easy."

Change "card catalog" to OPAC and I still think it's a valid statement. It only sounds quaint because people have gotten lazier and lazier; Smart phones, dumb people. For frack's sake, people, PLEASE take some responsibility for your own learning. Yes, we in Tech Services could/should do a better job educating and communicating about how Library systems, specifically library classification systems, actually work...We Catalogers have to do it, have to get out from behind our desk and head OUT to the stacks, with LCC or DDC bookmark guides in hand, because our Reference colleagues are too often preoccupied with other Web 2.0 matters to care about the minutiae of cataloging and classification themselves, much less passing it on to patrons, who in turn wallow in ignorance, utterly ignorant of what the spine labels mean. We have to push back against Reference personnel prerogatives and aggressively demand wall space for posters with the Classification scheme spelled out in some detail, whether DDC or LCC. If DDC and LCC are increasingly regarded as irrelevant it is up to US, in Tech Services, to push back and show that the library still rests organizationally on these tried and tested schemes. We aren't cataloging in a vacuum, we catalog for a reason, but if we fail to communicate that reason to our wider patron base, we will indeed be swept aside by the iPad idjits. We can't count on our Reference colleagues to spread the gospel as it were; they're too beguiled by Web 2.0 and Digital Imaging and Digital Literacy to pay attention. I'm reminded of the line from Star Wars, Episode III, "So this is how Democracy dies, to thunderous applause."; Substitute the word Democracy with "library cataloging and classification" and you have the essence of what is at stake. Catalogers, if this distresses you, quit moaning, quit complaining, get up off your feet, grab a big red book, and go ride the circuit, preaching the LCC or DDC gospel!!

When I took the time to explain to TWU undergrads about the LCC system, what it means and how it works, their eyes lit up with a new understanding and they were very grateful to me for having revealed this bit of library arcana to them. It shouldn't be arcana at all...time was Reference librarians were well versed in it as well, but that is no longer the case. With the rapid pace of new technology I can excuse this lapse--I really can--but what it means is that we Catalogers and Tech Services people have to pick up the slack and get out there and educate people on why we do what we do and how it can concretely help them--because NOBODY ELSE WILL DO IT...not administrators, not Reference staff, nobody. You want to see the face of who will keep cataloging alive and relevant into the 21st century...look in the mirror. It's up to you.

Don't think you won't meet opposition and resistance--you will. When I tried to promote this in my last library, I got significant pushback from my non-cataloger Tech Services manager. They just weren't interested in library advocacy for traditional classification systems. Bibliographic instruction was too passe, in their eyes. In retrospect I should have pushed harder, should have been relentless in my advocacy. I felt hesitant to do so as a brand spankin' new cataloger, and the only professional in the entire Tech Services cataloging unit (I had two paras under me). I always felt queasy being THE cataloger as a mere Librarian I, too. Nobody should have to suffer through a position like that. It's unethical for a library to keep relying on Librarian I's to be THE cataloger and just rely on burnout and attrition rather than do the right thing which is hire someone with 10+ years experience who can actually manage an entire department and set its priorities competently, etc. It's unethical to set up a job to fail and just burn through Librarian I's every few years to save money. Sure it saves money, but it also is devastating psychologically to those put through the grinder in that way. I am hoping against hope that I can find a position in a large enough cataloging unit to be managed by a senior cataloger, or failing that, at least have a cadre of experienced fellow catalogers who can support each other and offset each others' strengths and weaknesses; Alas, the economy being what it is, I am forced to consider new positions that are much like the one I just left...THE one cataloger in charge of a few paras and students. I hate it, but I have to keep my hat in the ring now that I find myself unable to return to my former employer, AIG, for obvious financial reasons on their part.

Well, here endeth the rant for now. More later, perhaps.

Two libraries, two policies.

I'm what ALA classifies as a "non-salaried Librarian" which is their euphemism for "unemployed", or at least it better be, since that's how I re-upped my membership this year, with that category, which is slightly cheaper than "regular member". I was pretty bare bones with my selection, joining only RUSA and SRRT and letting everything else slip by the wayside, even ALCTS, because with RDA, I regard the cataloging profession as having lost its collective mind and I want out of that noise. I'm trying to re-brand myself a Reference librarian but it's a tough sell.

Last week I needed to go downtown to do some personal research on depreciation of firearms, using the Blue Book of Gun Values, which HPL central has in its reference collection. As a gun owner, I also have a Texas CHL, but I knew from past experience that there is a 30.06 sign posted on the front entrance to the library, which renders all CHLs null and void; a concession to property rights, basically, but pretty squirly when exercised by public institutions, I think. Anyway, I went downtown disarmed (something I would not normally do), parked in the basement garage, brought a sack lunch and my laptop. I worked through the morning doing my research, updating my MS Excel file, etc. and then stopped to break for lunch; I went downstairs with my laptop and my sack lunch and sat on the plaza and ate. There were a couple of bicycle cops on the square, some Mexican workers, and a band of African American young men who were eying the cops warily. I deliberately avoided eye contact but I also stayed aware of where they were relative to me at all times, and I admit, I became uncomfortable when they drew nearer to me and the group got larger. A third policeman emerged from the library on foot, to talk with his colleagues. Again members of the crowd of young black men noticed the police and shared information about where these officers routinely patrol, etc. I finished my sandwich and diet soda, picked up my laptop, and headed back inside the library.

Maybe I was just being paranoid, and maybe these young men were just socializing innocently in downtown Houston. But I felt on guard and uncomfortable the whole time, especially being disarmed as I was.

I live out in the Suburbs on the edge of town. My local branch library, of the county public library system, do not post 30.06 signs, and I have entered the library carrying concealed numerous times, just going about my business. These libraries also do not have groups of young men idling around their entrances, either. They feel completely safe, while the central city library does not. Yet it is the Central Library that disarms the law-abiding permit holder. Yes, the day I was down there, there was an elevated police presence inside and outside the library; I had seen the foot patrolman doing rounds inside the library before he came out onto the plaza during my lunch break. But I've also been inside the library when there were only unarmed security personnel who are not law enforcement officers. There's no non-awkward way to leave one's carry piece in the garage, then come back to the garage and return to the plaza on the surface carrying; the easiest way would be to pass through the library but that is illegal, and walking up the exit ramp would look suspicious at best, even though it's the only legal way to exercise your carry rights when visiting HPL central. If I am going somewhere that prohibits my CHL via a 30.06 sign, I tend to go disarmed altogether. I know some people carry and then disarm in their vehicle before entering such structures, but the more gun handling you introduce, the greater the risk of an ND, or at the very least drawing the attention of passers-by who might call 911 to report "man with a gun". I do usually keep a "glove box" gun for personal protection, but it's never a carry gun that I could use for concealed use outside of my vehicle.

Library administrators need to know--but do not know--that 30.06 signs in Texas disarm only the law abiding, and that criminals with guns ignore such signs with impunity. It's a "feel good", "politically correct" measure that in reality protects no one, least of all patrons or staff. I want to bring this to the attention of the Director of the HPL system, but on the other hand, since I periodically seek employment with them, I don't want my name flagged as a "gun nut" and have that as a mark against me when I send them a fresh copy of my resume, etc.

My local Teachers Credit Union also posts a 30.06 sign; again, someone should talk it over with the manager, but I don't want to be the one to do it; I've voluntarily agreed to curtail my political expression for the sake of domestic peace; Due to my economic circumstances, I'm living with my parents, and they don't want to suffer any blowback from my otherwise outspoken political opinions, and I understand and respect that. The CU normally has an armed law enforcement officer sitting at a desk in the lobby, so I could understand why a bank manager might feel justified in posting a 30.06 sign. But even still, if a hardened criminal wants to rob the place, the 30.06 sign isn't going to make them bat an eye. The first thing a determined armed robber would do (assuming they "cased" the place beforehand) would be to barge in and shoot the peace officer first, then hold up the place. I know it must seem unthinkable, but security experts need to be able to think the unthinkable. If the uniformed officer goes down, and you've got a 30.06 sign posted, your staff and customers are then sitting ducks. If you don't have a 30.06 sign posted, there may be a customer with a concealed weapon who can take the robber by surprise if the opportunity presents itself. It is a second line of defense, potentially. Not a sure thing by any means, the customer might decide discretion is the better part of valor and allow the robbery to proceed. Or he might try to surprise the robber but fail and get himself shot. Introducing legal concealed weapons only improves the odds on the part of victims, it is not an iron-clad guarantee that the "good guys" will win.

There's an alternate sign that both of these institutions could use, and that is the sign barring *unlicensed* concealed carry, which includes a hefty fine and jail time, but does not affect legal CHL permit holders. By targeting criminals specifically, it does everything these managers are trying to do without the unconsidered negative consequences of a 30.06 sign, namely disarming the law-abiding.

I have attended two state library conferences in recent years, and at every one of them I was carrying concealed. I felt safer in the downtown areas while doing so, I used deep concealment methods so as not to alarm anyone, and I kept my mouth shut, except when having lunch with a non-library friend who is himself a CHL holder and asked casually if I too was carrying, which I confirmed. Nearly all of my Facebook contacts who are librarians are utterly afraid of guns, won't own them, etc. I accept that's the way it is, but I wish it were not so. It makes us look like hypocrites when we work so hard to defend 1A freedoms but shy away from 2A freedoms.

Alan Dershowitz, who also does not like guns, at least has the intellectual honesty to state:

"Foolish liberals who are trying to read the Second Amendment out of the Constitution by claiming it's not an individual right or that it's too much of a public safety hazard don't see the danger in the big picture. They're courting disaster by encouraging others to use the same means to eliminate portions of the Constitution they don't like."

I'm eagerly awaiting the final decision of MacDonald vs. Chicago from the Supreme Court, and at least from the transcript of the oral arguments, there seems to be cause for hope that the absolute ban on handguns in Chicago will be struck down and the 2nd Amendment will be incorporated against States and Localities, a ruling long overdue.

I also recently joined an internet forum called "The Liberal Gun Club", and also began listening to a podcast (unrelated) called "The Liberal Guncast". Both are excellent sources for technical information sharing about firearms with none of the odious right-wing cultural politics that tend to infect NRA publications and other forums. The Liberal Gun Club is a great place to meet people who realize that supporting gun rights does not commit you to a whole host of truly obnoxious Right of Center political positions. Max of the Liberal Guncast rightly states that armed self-defense ought not to be a Right vs. Left issue but a core American value untainted by partisan bickering. I agree. Sebastian of the Pro-Gun Progressive Blog (now defunct) used to argue that it wasn't so much Right vs. Left as it was Totalitarian mindset vs. Pro-Liberty/Freedom mindset, and that there are Left and Right "flavors" of both. I still keep up with Seb on Facebook, but I really wish he would go back to regular blogging. Still, I'm one to talk, eh? My updates here are once in a blue moon these days, I know. I have created a separate blog on VOX dedicated exclusively to Anime and Manga, and I even eschew my library persona on VOX and talk purely as a fan-boy. It's kind of liberating, in that respect.

With that, I bring this somewhat rambling and ranty entry to a close; More later when I have something else to grouch about in Libraryland.