Old Familiar Feeling (COVID memories)

 So, the Internet and our library OPAC has been down since Monday morning; an entire week of listlessness unable to perform all but the most basic of tasks, everything in a holding pattern pending service restoration.  It's been a franky depressing way to spend time at work....do what I can but then I'm reduced to listening to podcasts, watching TikTok, watching YouTube, reposting the best of TikTok to Ex-Twitter, etc.  Not quite doom scrolling but not not that either.  Interacting with fellow weebs on Threads for awhile is diverting and fun.

I reflected that my anxious, depressed mood reminds me so much of how I felt during the lockdown phase of the early pandemic.  How directionless I felt, how my sense of self-worth took a major hit.  I wanted to get back in the office doing my job serving the public and couldn't.  The not knowing was the worst part then as now.  Having to take on faith things will be restored to (mostly) normal eventually, which is exceedingly difficult for one naturally inclined to personal pessimism.  

I know we'll be back eventually but the unknown makes it hard to get up in the morning.  I recognize that I'm a bit of a workaholic and like any junkie, going cold turkey like this is really rough.  I realized I actually feel GUILTY listening to podcast content if I'm not also actively doing something productive whether working with my hands affixing ILL book straps, printing and managing paperwork, etc, or even just commuting in my car or eating lunch.  It's hard to feel okay to just sit there and listen to a podcast without having something else to work on while I do.  I know it's all in my head but it's what my head has grown accustomed to and shifting that mindset isn't done on a dime.

I'm okay watching short-form TikToks or AMVs on YouTube but would feel wrong/naughty watching entire anime episodes, etc.  Which again is dumb and no one cares but...just can't shake those feelings.

I did flip through a graphic novel history book that I ordered, based on oral histories of the First Black Marines in WW2.  Interesting mix of visual storytelling and written narrative.  Look forward to processing this ILL and actually checking it out and bringing it home.  The book piles grow and grow in separate corners of my workspace, each pile awaiting the day services are fully restored to be processed, checked in, and properly routed as needed.

I know a handful will have to be sent back & re-requested because the original loans will have expired and renewal will not be possible in all cases.  Interlibrary Loans are always time-sensitive so this is excruciating for me.